Things I’ve noticed about drunks…



Drunks bother the hell out of me.
Now, this is a bit of a hypocritical statement because I’ve been drunk a time or two myself. The difference is that when I get drunk I don’t get loud and obnoxious. My personality remains solidly in place and I don’t get mean, clingy, whiny, obsessive, argumentative, or excitable. I remain me. I don’t forget a thing. Of course that is my opinion and if you have seen me drunk and can argue it I would be happy to hear your view of my drunken self.
I often wonder why some folks drink, not that I do it for any particular reason. It’s just something I do that doesn’t effect my life in any way good or bad. I’m also not complaining about every drunk. I’ve known plenty of them that may slur their words or stumble, but they pretty much stay true to themselves and their personality.
No, I’m talking about those who drink and change. Like Doctor Jekyll taking his secret formula and turning into Mr. Hyde. Some folks change, and not for the better. Now that I think about it I haven’t seen anyone change for the better due to alcohol.
By the way, this isn’t an anti-drinking sermon. I believe everyone who can handle it should be able to partake. It’s just that there are a lot of folks who can’t handle it.
Here are some examples of what I’ve seen:


    • THE ARGUMENTATIVE DRUNK: This is a person who will argue with a stump. Yes, literally argue with a stump. If you say the moon is made of rock they will insist that it is cheese and even name the particular cheese that it is made out of. They will do this with confidence and no amount of logic will change their minds. Logic doesn’t have to play into their argument. If all else fails they will often claim that “God works in mysterious ways.” Now, how are you going to argue with that?


    • THE MEAN DRUNK: This is usually the 5′ 4″ guy who is getting his ass kicked every other weekend. This is the fellow who treats alcohol like an Underdog pill, just a couple of sips and he becomes invincible. He will find the biggest guy in the crowd and swear he can make him scream “Uncle”. He will find the most obscure reason to start a fight. One of his most popular fight starting phrases is “Is he looking at me?” Yes. Yes he is looking at you because you are speaking very loudly while glaring at the guy.


    • THE AMOROUS DRUNK: This is the guy, who after a few drinks, falls in love with everyone around him. Alcohol hits his system like an aphrodisiac. He becomes Shallow Hal without standards or the ability to cull through the herd. I move away from this person because I’m not a huggy fellow, and often wonder if they will remember that they aren’t gay. I’ve seen them go so far as to hit on family members, sisters and cousins. I don’t know if they forget that family members should be off limits or if they just don’t care any longer. All I know is that this is so, so wrong. As Eddie Murphy said, “He will #@&% anything that moves. When he comes to my house the fish stop swimming.”


    • THE OBNOXIOUS DRUNK: This is the guy who is standing before everyone singing Karaoke. He doesn’t necessarily need a microphone or music as he mumbles through the parts of a song that he doesn’t know. If need be he often breaks into an air guitar solo to liven the act up. When the karaoke falls on deaf ears he will change from singer to stand up comedian, butchering jokes that he only half remembers or making up new ones that make absolutely no sense what-so-ever.


    • THE CRYING DRUNK: This is often someone who just got out of a bad relationship and instead of looking at the bright side of things, the fact that they got rid of that anchor, they are moping about what they lost, the three or four times their better half wasn’t yelling at them. Alcohol puts blinders on these drunks. They only see the bad side of their lives. They cry about how mistreated they were as children, that they didn’t get that pony on their 6th birthday. They whine about how their teenage kids don’t love them any longer. When did teenage kids love their parents anyway? Alcohol paints these peoples world in sad colors of brown and orange, as though they put tinted glasses on and forgot they are wearing them.


    • THE RELIGIOUS DRUNK: I almost didn’t add this one because it’s fairly uncommon, at least in the protestant religions, because of their ban on alcohol. It’s uncommon, but unfortunately it exists. These folks slur about God’s love for you and try to save your soul moments before turning and barfing up a half gallon of vodka. They talk about the end of the world, but their drunken mind can’t grasp any facts that will back up their points. They mumble scriptures, but can’t remember where to find them. When you say you don’t want to hear any more they become the MEAN DRUNK and want to kick your ass. Actually, now that I think about it this particular sort of drunk falls into several other DRUNK categories. They become the CRYING DRUNK as they work on your soul and the ARGUMENTATIVE DRUNK as they talk about the end of the world. Yeah, it reminds me of why many religions have a ban on alcohol.


  • THE DRUNKEN LECTURER: This is the guy who gets drunk and acts like he has been to the mountain and come back enlightened. For this guy alcohol is like a dose of wisdom handed down from the wise men of Tibet. This guy will tell you what’s wrong with your life, how to go about fixing everything and do it all in the simplest way possible. Usually you have had enough to drink so that his wise words almost make sense. Who cares that he has been divorced six times? Who cares that his dating includes exchanging money for services rendered? What’s it matter that he lives in a FEMA trailer on the outskirts of town? All this just adds to his voice of experience. Through trial and error, heavy on the error, he has finally figured life out and wants to pass some of that wealth of knowledge on to you. You’ve probably had something to drink yourself and his words might start to sound like solid advice. Don’t listen to him. Your best bet is to pay your tab and run away fast.



Went over the final edits of A Pirate’s Tale and sent it to Lady Luck Publishing.


The Haunted Brothel  The Haunted Brothel. Now available at Purple Sword Publishing.


~ by bretjordan on October 4, 2010.

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