The Unaired BSG Episode…




Believe it or not I’m not crazy about technology. Yeah, I know. I work on it for a living. It pays for the roof over my head and the food that I eat, but I hate it anyway.


Technology is temperamental. Machines have a mind of their own and they do whatever pleases them most of the time. The devices you use every day each have their own personalities, quirks and clicks. It seems that no two devices are the same. Even when they are the exact same model they are different, like human twins two exact computers will have different quirks and shortcomings.

Take for instance my work laptop. It’s tied into a network where it has to communicate with a server if it wants to belong to this little closed community of computers. It’s a gated community where each computer must be authenticated by the server to become a member. The server, who likes to be called “Mr.”, is like the doorman to a club. He takes a good look at your computer and then decides whether it is worthy of entering. The server is a control freak who assigns where each computer will reside on the network like a seating chart from kindergarten. It runs the network like a communistic enclave where each house is assigned to everyone who wants to belong.

What happens when the server has had enough, when it tires of the computer’s constant requests and nonsense? It knocks everyone out of the little community. Like Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi he screams, “No Internet for you!” The crazy server can even decide that he isn’t passing out addresses any longer, effectively evicting each and every member out of the gated community. Their plastic butts hit the digital street. Mr. Server doesn’t care. I can hear his binary laughter coming from the server room and it sounds a lot like the donkey breying tones of a modem.

The computers shouldn’t get too offended by the server’s treatment of them. You’re computer knows what I’m talking about. Wasn’t it your computer who snubbed a printer a while back, refusing to acknowledge his presence, becoming too high and mighty to send him information? Think of the poor printer. He’s at the bottom of the food chain and has no one to snub, no one at all…well, maybe the scanner, but it’s damned near a toss up as to who’s on the bottom.

Wait, I know who’s on the bottom of the food chain. Fax machines. Nobody will talk to them. They speak digital Latin, a dead language, the slow phone line modem speak instead the new high speed gibberish that everyone is talking now. Old fashioned phone lines carry their message. No wireless and no cable for them. They like to talk slow and plain so that anyone can understand them. They are laughed at by machines everywhere.

It’s funny, because the more technology lets us down the more we bust our humps to make it even more technical. Take the iPad for instance. It’s a cool little gadget, but I wouldn’t have a clue about what to do with one if it got sick. I mean, I don’t imagine it is like a computer where I can just bust it open and change the hard drive, or RAM, video or Ethernet card. Nope if it gets sick you actually have to take this little guy to the doctor. I guess it could also be like a horse with a broken leg, you shoot it and get another one.

Battlestar Galactica

Here’s one for all of you Battlestar Galactica fans…

The real reason that the Battlestar Galactica didn’t use a computer network wasn’t out of fear that the Cylons would infiltrate the network. No. It’s because they lost one too many battles due to their quirky server.

This is how I imagine the unaired episode went…

Cylon fighters are swarming toward the Battlestar Galactica. The alert fighters are launched, rocketing out of the launch bays and kicking in the burners to meet the attack. The firing solution is in place and blanketing the void with tracer fire. Suddenly the fighter’s engines die. The tracer fire quits and the cylons close in unopposed.

On the bridge of the Galactica…

Gaeta: Sir. We just lost our network.
Commander Adama: Hmmm.
Colonel Tigh: Damned Cylons and their filthy virus’.
Gaeta: Uh…Sir. It wasn’t a virus.
Commander Adama: Explain.
Gaeta: Remember your new Droid™, the one that has the 3G network, does email, views pictures and allows instant access to the ship wide web from anywhere? Well, the upgrade software that I installed on the server was a Beta version. Very flaky, sir. I…I had to do…a bit of creative thinking to get the server to authenticate it so that you could get emails…
Colonel Tigh: Damn it. Stop stuttering and spit it out, man!
Gaeta: O…Okay. All the authentications got screwed up. The server kicked everyone out and isn’t letting anyone back onto the network. The…uh…good news is that it still likes your Droid™ so you won’t loose any emails.

At this point the Cylons have closed in and made scrap metal of all Galactica’s fighters. The Base Ship then launches its nuclear warheads and ten seconds later the season and show are ended.

That is the reason why the Battlestar Galactica doesn’t use a network. It’s also the reason this episode didn’t air.


~ by bretjordan on October 7, 2010.

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